Welcome to part 3 of this 3 Part Miniseries: Fears Holding You Back From A Healthy & Peaceful Relationship with Food & Body. Part 1 was all about how to navigate the fear of weight gain and part 2 covered two common concerns: “I won’t stop eating” and “I won’t eat healthy.” In this final post to this series, I go over a topic that many have stumbled over: “I’ve tried giving myself permission – it doesn’t work for me.” It’s an obstacle with a combination of factors. A few to consider include pseudo permission, a self-fulfilling prophecy and a distrust with oneself around food. All of these can get in the way of making peace with food. So let’s unpack these unhelpful barriers and how to overcome them.
“I’ve tried permission. It won’t work for me.”
“Yeah I’ve tried the permission thing and allowed myself to eat cookies…I ate the entire box…in one sitting! It clearly doesn’t work for me. Never again.”
Does this above scenario sound familiar? If so, you’re not alone. A lot of people find the concept of intuitive eating intriguing. And it’s definitely grown in popularity – especially over in social media land. Often the message that gets relayed comes in the form of oversimplified small soundbites – like “find food freedom,” “ditch diet rules,” “just give yourself permission to eat the cake,” etc. And I get it. It’s really hard to put the nuanced message of the true meaning behind food freedom and intuitive eating into fractioned bits and have it sound sexy enough to stop the scroll.
The thing is food freedom isn’t as easy as “just eat the cookies.”
While letting go of a diet state of mind is freeing and SO worth it, it can be a scary and frustrating experience – especially in the beginning. And unfortunately, there’s no skipping to the good part. It takes practice, a lot of unlearning and learning, time and patience.
Maybe you’ve seen other people who seem to have “figured it out,” and you’re still unsure or scared of what might happen if you let go of food rules. Or maybe you’ve “allowed” yourself to eat certain off-limit foods only to end up feeling frustrated and out of control after eating way more. I just want to tell you it’s okay if you feel apprehensive or scared. And it’s okay if you’ve tried permission and decided it doesn’t “work” for you. These are common fears that hold a lot of people back from intuitive eating.
So, if you’re finding it a struggle to eat off limit foods, consider and explore the following factors:
- Pseudo-permission – this is where someone might “allow” themselves certain foods, but there was never really unconditional permission allowed.
- Self-fulfilling prophecy – just the thought of having access to certain foods is enough to make you overeat.
- Lack of self-trust around food – you might believe in the philosophy but a history of dieting and restriction has cemented a strong foundation of a lack of self-trust.
Pseudo-permission:
Pseudo-permission is really common. No one has a arsenal of food rules one day and then unconditional permission to eat the next day. When it comes to mending a healthy relationship with food there are a lot of bumps and windy paths along the way. A lot of the time those bumps involve pseudo-permission.
Pseudo-permission is when you might allow yourself certain “off-limit” foods, but there are conditions or implied limits around it – like how much or how often you can enjoy them. For instance, if you have some ice cream is there a sense that the permission is temporary? Or is there a voice still saying “you shouldn’t be eating that?”
If you’ve been living with rules around food for a long time, this mental restriction can be so deeply rooted in the subconscious that conditions around food are not always obvious. One way to detect mental restriction is if you notice any feelings of guilt when you eat. And if so, do you notice any subsequent beliefs or urges that you need to restrict food in the future? Even if you physically allow yourself to eat the food, when you put limits around food in the future you are still emotionally depriving yourself. And whether it’s physical, mental or emotional deprivation, it all feeds into the restriction cycle. So while your mouth might be doing the eating, your mind is saying “don’t!” or “you shouldn’t!” Your mind is still in diet/restriction mode.
The thing is our behaviors often change before our thoughts do.
How this generally plays out is that we allow ourselves to buy and eat a formerly forbidden food; however, the little voice in our heads is still saying, “I can have these donuts now, but no more donuts tomorrow,” or “I really shouldn’t have eaten that much cake.”
If you’ve restricted a food (like cake and donuts) for a long time you probably have a lot of diet culture like beliefs around it. And it takes time to “rewire” our brains to challenge the beliefs around cake, donuts and other off-limit foods (sugar is bad, calories are bad, I’ll gain weight, etc.).
Bringing awareness to and challenging these thoughts while practicing permission is key. Eventually your thoughts will change along with your behaviors. This can be a challenging process and it’s not uncommon to feel discouraged as you encounter bumps along the way. Try to stay focused on what you’re accomplishing and don’t forget to celebrate the steps!
Self-fulfilling Prophecy:
If you have the strong conviction that allowing yourself to eat even a small piece of a brownie will only end in eating an entire pan of brownies, there’s a strong chance you’ll end up doing just that. The mind is a really powerful thing. Sometimes just the thought that you’ll overeat, is enough to actually make you overeat – this is self-fulfilling prophecy.
Holding onto beliefs like “sugary foods make you gain weight” while having a fear of weight gain, is a set up for a tail spin of feeling out of control around sugary foods. Every time you deny yourself a cookie or an ice cream craving, deprivation builds until you inevitably give in. This is typically followed by feelings of guilt, shame, a sense of doing something bad and a promise to never do it again. This deprivation mindset only provides fuel to the restrict, binge and shame cycle. All the while cementing the belief that even one bite of a sugary food will send you into a sugar binge. Like if you “know” you can’t control yourself around sweet foods and you “know” that you’ll likely binge on desserts when they’re around, then you probably will – the self-fulfilling prophecy.
This is a totally normal reaction to deprivation!
It’s once you start approaching the experience of eating these off-limit foods with a sense of curiosity that you can start creating positive eating experiences with these foods. And it’s through these positive experiences that it becomes much easier to let go of restrictive thinking – thus disrupting the binge/shame cycle and dissipating the feelings of needing to eat sugary foods urgently and in an out of control manner.
Permitting yourself to eat off limit foods can be scary and daunting. Think of it as a brave step in your practice of making peace with food. It’s with each step or eating experience that you’re able to build on your practice. And just like any practice, it isn’t perfect along the way. Every now and then you may have a restrictive thought or an occasional sense of loss of control, and that’s okay. With self-compassion you learn to move from a place of perceiving these eating occurrences as tragic indiscretions that need to be atoned for to a place where these moments become opportunities to gain insight and valuable data to use in the future. This is what keeps you moving forward in your practice. And that’s what its all about.
“I don’t trust myself around food.”
What if you don’t trust your body? A strong lack of self-trust when it comes to food is a hefty obstacle for a lot of people. Remember it’s through years of diets and restricting that’s taught you to believe that you can’t trust your body around food. Restriction undermines self-trust because it disrupts the connection that you have with your body. And it doesn’t help that diet culture continues to hammer the message that you need rules and meal plans because “you can’t and shouldn’t trust yourself around food.” With every external restrictive food rule and every attempt at regulating food intake, self-trust is tarnished – all the while eroding the ability to listen to your body and respond to your inner body signals.
So how do I rebuild self trust? It’s through the process of allowing yourself permission to eat that you can start mending that healthy relationship and connection with your body. Each positive eating experience is like adding a layer to your trust foundation. On it’s own each experience might seem small and insignificant, but with time those layers multiply until you have a strong and sturdy bridge of trust in food and in yourself.
Interested in individualized support? It can be incredibly challenging to let go of the fears that hold you back from a healthy relationship with food and body. The truth is there are many nuances to look deeper into and explore on an individual level. No two person’s struggle is the same. I offer virtual nutrition and wellness coaching across the US! Book a discovery call and we can chat more about it
***This post and website are for educational purposes only and should not be considered medical therapy, medical care, diagnosis or treatment. You should not take any action before consulting with a healthcare professional.
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